Most people go about forgiveness backwards. They
focus in the wrong area and they never are able to forgive another.
Here's how to forgive someone the right way.
What happens when you've been wronged by another
and you want to move on? How do you let it go - get on with your
life - and make sure it doesn't happen again?
The short answer is that you forgive yourself
for even having them in your life in the first place - so you
don't have to continue to carry the burden around and so that
you *don't repeat the same experience* - either with this person
or another one.
You forgive yourself for ALLOWING it to happen
- not for CAUSING it to happen.
Right now you may be in some sort of a mental
prison. There may be a lot of resentment and other similar feelings.
And what you're feeling now - the bitterness, the resentment,
the anger, the hurt; WILL influence your future relationships.
Bitterness only leads to more bitterness. Hurt leads to more hurt.
Forgiveness is a way to clear out those old feelings
from the past so you will be better able to believe in yourself
and trust yourself. Not to mention you will be wiser and more
But are you responsible for what they did? No,
absolutely not. You don't forgive yourself to make them 'not guilty'.
You created your reality and they created theirs.
And the realities overlapped.
A cheater is basically that way before you meet
them. A betrayer is a betrayer before they come into your life.
And a punisher would just be punishing someone else if you weren't
The question is - why did I attract someone like
this into my life? Of course you didn't KNOW they would cheat
or betray or punish you when you first met them. But then, maybe
there were little hints and clues you ignored. I don't know.
The point is, you allowed it to happen, at least
on some level. That 'allowing' is your responsibility; something
you CAN forgive yourself for.
The value of forgiving yourself is - first of
all, it's empowering to accept responsibility for YOUR contribution.
Yes, I understand you were wronged. They engaged in hurtful behavior
that was unjustified.
By forgiving yourself, you don't say their behavior
was acceptable. On some level, they must still 'pay' for what
they did. But that's not your business. (I understand many try
to make it their business!)
But you would be much more productive by dealing
with YOUR contribution to these events. And not worrying about
"They'll get theirs."
But look at the damage it does to YOU by not forgiving
yourself. Maybe you don't believe in yourself anymore. Maybe you
don't trust yourself to make good decisions. Maybe your self-confidence
is lacking. Maybe you're carrying around a ton of pain.
And I would guess many other problems as well
have come up because you've been wronged. Forgiving yourself can
heal the damage they caused. Also, you don't let someone 'off
the hook' by forgiving yourself for what they did.
YOU LET *YOU* OFF THE HOOK BY FORGIVING YOURSELF.
Sorry to shout, but I want to make that point
clear. By forgiving yourself, you empower yourself. You free yourself
from your own private prison of pain.
Here's the bottom line: You can never truly and
completely forgive another until you have first forgiven yourself.
That's why so many people stay stuck in a lack of forgiveness.
Of course you need to forgive the other person
to truly be free yourself.
But it starts with learning how
to forgive yourself FIRST.
If you can't forgive yourself, you'll never forgive
someone else. Here's how: http://www.forgive-yourself.com